October 5th, 2006

This is going to be a long, rambly thinking-out-loud post filled with self-pity and teenage angst. 😛

There’s an expression in Cantonese which I think describes my mental state very well; I only wish I knew how to write it properly. I don’t, so I’m just going to take a stab at it here: 心散. I’ve always taken this (and remember, I only know things phonetically, if that) into its component pieces: 心: heart; 散: scattered, in pieces. I’m trying to find a proper definition for it, but I understand it to mean distracted and not really giving 100% to whatever you’re doing.

I don’t know if I’m really passionate about science–I really don’t. I don’t know that I’m passionate about anything.

Sometimes I think I can salvage by BSc and become a technical writer instead; in fact, this is a notion I’ve been considering ever since I heard of the technical writing profession. But when I look on scientific writing sites, they all seem to demand a BA in English for some odd reason. No offense to all my English major friends, but I’d rather read a scientific text from a Chemistry major than an English major. Heck, maybe I’ll take a BA after I get my BSc.

Sometimes I think my situation is un-salvagable and that I am really in the wrong major–which is probably a slap in the face to all those people I scored higher than (I’m not trying to boast, but getting a Trek scholarship does ensure that you scored higher than someone somewhere.)

I wonder what I would do if I weren’t studying chemistry. Were I to stay in science, I’d probably become a biochem major. Or possibly genetics. All I know is that I need to get as far away from physics as possible. If I switched to Arts? French is the obvious choice (I have the most credits towards the program), with Linguistics and English Language not coming far behind.

I was walking around the career fair today and realized more than ever that a BSc does not mean guranteed employment any more than a BA does. Seriously. The companies weren’t really interested unless you happened to be an engineer. I know people a lot smarter than I am who are looking into accounting programs after graduation. Why? The money’s better.

On the other hand, I’m fairly used to things coming easily; it means that I don’t always try as hard as I should. Plus, I’m a procrastinator to boot.

Heavens. I’m tired.

Je veux que ça soit fini. Enfin, on n’y peut rien.

I really prefer the French expression “ça ne vaut pas la peine” instead of the English equivalent “it’s not worth it.” For an anglophone like me, “la peine” is what sticks out in that phrase, car il y a certainement des choses qui nous font mal, et je pense qu’il faut reconnaître cette peine.


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