Refraction

For the past few years, my has father voiced his concern that his only daughter is going to wind up a spinster (and when I reflect on it a bit more it’s come through in other ways my whole life, more or less; anyway, I digress.) A few days ago my father decided that it was time for his yearly “love life” ¹Previously: Part I, Part II. talk with me.

It went a little something like:

“Daughter, if there are any boys interested in you, you should reciprocate! By the time you’re 30 all the good ones will be gone. Don’t trot out the fact that your own parents didn’t get married until their thirties, things are different for you.” ²Yeah, Dad, things are pretty different, all right.

My only response here was a lame kind of “I don’t have time for a boyfriend right now.”

There’s something in his reasoning here that’s kind of bothering me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it at the moment. It has to do with a) this idea of ‘take the first one who comes along’ (and implicitly: ‘because that’ll happen rarely enough that you really should cut your losses’) and b) the other idea that people (but men in particular) are only single because they’re not up to snuff.

Not really sure which one is more upsetting. Probably the former, since the second is much more easily rationalized away—how many times have you thought, “What do they see in that person?” But telling your own daughter (however subtly) that she just isn’t good enough… well…

See Part I here.

My father, in his infinite wisdom:
“You know, the character you want in a boyfriend is a bit like mine. You’re kind of like Mom, and if the both of you were like that, the marriage wouldn’t last long.”

Thanks for jumping directly to marriage, Dad!

(Also, for a long time, one of my great fears has been turning out like my mother. I don’t know how like her I actually am, given his comments….)

catherinette is a French word denoting an unmarried woman who’s at least twenty-five. I am quite aware that I only have a couple years before that will be me. Suitable, though, I guess.

Last night, my father seemed to take an interest in my romantic life for the first time ever, ¹I do not talk to my parents ever about anything really meaningful. and basically said he was afraid I’d become a spinster. ²I think I can pull off crazy cat lady okay, though.

“Catherine, if you have a chance to get married in your 20s…. do it. You don’t want to get to your 30s… [your older, single 30-something cousins], I don’t think they’ll get married…. You’ll never find someone who’s 100%, you know, everyone has their flaws and you just have to cope.”

All I can say in return is, “It’s a big step between, ‘Hey, I like you a lot’ and ‘Let’s get married!’ ³I confess that I never really thought I’d ever get married when I was younger.”